Start the Story: Where Do We Begin? [09.28.09]
Maud didn’t realize that ‘doing the locomotion’ meant you were only supposed to go forward.
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Despite being sandwiched between the men of her dreams, Ruth couldn’t stop herself from picking lint off of Cecil’s jacket.
Cecil always made Ruth feel like crawling out from under her own life. It was no secret that Ruth’s life had been like a field of overripe watermelons with a 400 pound overrated woman wading through them in high heels splashing petroleum up her thighs.
The Diary of George de Mestral:
10th July. Day 78.
Crikey – early experiments with the miracle binding fabric a.k.a. Project Velcro have hit a snag, so to speak.
The combination is still much too strong, and although most of my test subjects still find the situation hilarious, am having to make plans to move my lodgings and laboratory without informing them.
Studies shows that early team building exercises were sexist and depended on women at the bottom.
It was a cold Autumn and we decided to play musical chairs to lift our spirits. However, I was hoping that Marge would have brought out more than one chair for the festivities.
Though it is no longer a recognized sport and hasn’t been a part of the Olympics since 1916, the Terrific Ten from Wisconsin will always be remembered as the world’s best synchronized sitting team.
Quietly, I stood in front of the firing squad for the second and most certainly the last time. Half anxious, half defeated, I awaited my fate. Her smile didn’t seem so enticing anymore. No woman is worth this. I quickly promised myself that, should I survive, I would never sign-up for a spelling bee again.
Jelly Martin, having recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer, had packed up what was left of her life and driven 1,245 miles to her ex-husband’s house. She’d been sitting in her car in his driveway for the last 20 minutes, trying to figure out how she was going to word her very unusual request.
Seemingly skinny, they were all sat perfectly until Maud perched her self at the front!
“It would’ve worked, I tell you – my MagneatoShorts magnetic underwear would’ve slashed pedestrian congestion in urban areas worldwide! It would have….if some fool during the test hadn’t dramatically turned around and repelled three test subjects into Wisconsin.”
First widely, although privately, circulated in the US in the late 1800’s, the Karma Sutra quickly became as popular as it was infamous. That growth in popularity was checked somewhat as a result of what became known as ‘The unfortunate misunderstanding at Humboldt Park’ – largely caused by a faulty typesetting machine and an inexperienced printer’s apprentice.
We get together twice a year in an undisclosed location. Some say we do it to test ourselves, others insist it is much more complicated. The object, however, was simple, last one to smile wins. Edgar, with his cool as stone, handle bar mustached face had won three years in a row. Maude, driven to victory, prayed the judges didn’t see her cheek muscles beginning to flex.
“Oh, those were high times,” she said wistfully, “and that was quite an evening!” Smiling, she slid the photograph across the table towards me. “One of those men,” she continued plainly, “is your grandfather. And I’ll be damned if I know which one.”
Ricky was sitting up on his tender legs; the best day of the life!
As the gents worked on their “boner control,” the ladies’ thoughts were decidedly random: Maude, “I wonder if Clarence thinks my ass is too big?”; Jane, “Jesus, Henry, can you get the billy-club out of my back?”; Judy, “This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. Look at us. What a bunch of dorks.”
Is this seat taken?…
We came from a long long line of conga dancers. With or without music, indoors or out, conga was in our blood.
Why take up the whole park bench when only one place is needed?